I am using this prompt list to engage in shadow work.
the vent answer
My mom didn’t like me until my dad went through a not liking me phase and then she fell in love with me when I was a freshman in high school. But they’ve both loved me pretty consistently since I finished grad school so I feel like we did all of the processing and family dynamics work and shit. We did all the crying and retraumatizing and the why did you do this and you’re the parent I’m the child you were supposed to take care of me and yes I know you didn’t know you had the choice not to have a child and you were poor and struggling and you did your best and you protected me in the ways you knew as love because those were the ways your parents protected you blah blah blah. Like. I’m 33 and have been doing therapy and shadow work for at least a decade. At some point, is it okay that I’m just not mad at them anymore? I probably still feel sad about some things, like the trauma that I’ll never get over, that “inner child” trauma, and my irrational core beliefs. But, like, can’t I just live now? Am I expected to cry about it my whole fucking life? They still do and say some abusive shit to me, which sucks and triggers me and fucks up my life, but like, I can hang up the phone or leave their house. Yes it hurts, but I’m not going to let it destroy me like it did when I was a kid. I’m my own parent now. Let’s move the fuck on.
with that being said 😒
- I sometimes feel sad and angry about having been abandoned.
- I sometimes feel sad about not having felt loved as a child.
- I sometimes feel angry that the decisions made by people around me when I was a child continue to cause me deep pain even though I’m an adult and I feel like I’ve processed the shit out of it and now I just have to live with this pain forever because no amount of therapy or shadow work makes it go away.
- I sometimes feel angry about possibly having been exposed to [detailed traumatic events censored for my privacy] as a child.
Anyway, I love my parents and maybe even other family members anyway, and I think everyone did the best they could with what they had and I wish talking about it made the pain go away but it doesn’t; it just makes it easier to live with.